Chewing. Why do I need a guide to chew my food? How did it come to this? Am I that incompetent with my own mouth that now I not only have to eat but count my chews like some deranged bean counter? Who even decided 20 was the magic number? Like somehow, if I chew just 19 times I’m failing my body’s digestive process. Maybe the food gods will punish me with indigestion because I shortchanged them one chew.
Seriously, though, am I supposed to waltz into a restaurant and turn into some sort of autoclicker metronome, setting a timer to beep at chew number 20? And try doing this in social settings. Yeah, explain to your date why you look like you’re auditioning for the Slowest Eater on Earth contest. What an irresistible trait. Can’t wait.
And let’s not forget the ultimate absurdity—it’s supposed to increase satiety signal recognition. Like my body suddenly discovers this sense of fullness it’s conveniently ignored all its life without the magic 20x rule. Check out this specific text for more enlightenment on how not to enjoy eating.
I’m convinced at this rate, they’ll come up with a guide on how to blink correctly next to improve eye moisture balance. Whatever.