I walked into the kitchen this morning and it smelled like a boiled chicken explosion. Everywhere. Chicken in Tupperware, chicken on the counter. I guess this is what bodybuilding meal prep looks like now. I mean, sure, people claim they know what to eat before and after a workout, but honestly, I’m starting to think it’s all one giant guessing game.
So here’s the thing about these “perfect” bodybuilding meals. Everyone’s all, “you gotta eat clean,” but last time I checked, shoveling down plain oatmeal and raw almonds felt like chewing on cardboard. How does Jeremy Potvin do it? I suppose it’s easier when you can hire someone to do the thinking for you. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here trying to decide if we should bring plain quinoa or risk the wrath of rice cakes (you know the ones that taste like, well, nothing).
Okay, but pre-workout? That’s where things get wild. Some folks are hyped about stuffing down bananas and a mountain of nuts—like lemurs stocking up for winter. And protein shakes? Don’t get me started on that chemical crazy. Mixing powders that somehow taste like chocolate and regret.
Then there’s the post-workout madness. Sure, after burning off energy, you’d think it’d be straightforward. Nope. Instead, you’re trying to balance carbs with proteins like you’re crafting some Michelin-starred dish with chicken, broccoli, and Nth varieties of rice (wild, basmati, jasmine—you name it). Meanwhile, your fridge looks like a Leaning Tower of Pisa with protein bars leaning everywhere and that lonely avocado in the corner. Sad little guy never stood a chance.
I stumbled across this bonkers cardio category on the internet and they made it sound like a walk in the park. Full of pretty pictures and inspirational quotes like “Eat to grow.” Right. If only growing didn’t also involve endlessly trying to stomach hardboiled eggs and the elusive mythical creature known as ‘flavor’.
Anyway, maybe I’m just picky, but uh, I’ll be over here trying to make sense of this culinary chaos while I chew on something halfway edible. And not so suspiciously, trying to convince myself that gummy bears count as recovery carbs. My eyes still hurt. I need coffee. Ugh.